I prepare each of my posts the night before. Before I get into the meat of today’s post, I have to give you an idea of what the last 24 hours have been like.
Late Tuesday Night/Early Wednesday Morning
I’d written a draft of my post and have started to type it. Ever the multitasker, I’m casually strolling through my social media feeds when I stumble upon the video of Alton Sterling’s murder. At first, my mind really couldn’t compute what my eyes were seeing, then it hit home. I was torn up for the rest of the night and really had to push myself to finish the post.
My heart and mind are still worn by what I witnessed the night before. I push through a work shift, but not without being further ripped apart after seeing the public breakdown of a 15-year-old boy as he mourns his father after having seen the same video that I saw.
Wednesday Night/Early Thursday Morning
By this point in the day, I am feeling horrible. I figure that I can’t possibly absorb any further suffering. I’ve decided that I would post about my feelings of hopelessness in the justice system, and I try to focus on writing a draft. I refreshed my Facebook feed and am met with the video from a live broadcast of the shooting of Philando Castile.
I just feel so heavy. I feel so hopeless. I can’t get the images out of my head. I can’t watch any coverage without forcing myself to choke back tears. I’ve had the “pleasure” of seeing everyone’s commentary in the demand for change. Some say we need to pray. Some say we need to fight back. I’m no expert on social matters but haven’t we already had the protests and prayers? The only way that there will ever be change is if it is made from within. The system is jacked. There’s no sugarcoating that. Are those power players within the system bothered enough to fix what’s clearly broken?
It was a struggle for me to put these words together, but I needed to express something. I have no inspirational quotes. I see no gleam of hope. My spirit is too busy trying to recover from the aftershock and aftermath.
I’m bracing myself for tomorrow.