Relationships are something else.
When two people really love and respect each other it’s a little easier to know where you stand. In a perfect world, all relationships make sense. All relationships are healthy. All relationships are fulfilling.
Tough luck. This world ain’t perfect.
What happens when every day of your relationship feels like torture? What happens when you love them, but they don’t seem to love you? What happens when you realize that you’re nothing more than a convenient resource? It’d be stupid to hang around for that, right?
Actually, you WILL let these things happen to you. You are going to stick around and endure the madness. You’ll even ask yourself, “WHY AM I STICKING AROUND FOR THIS???”. Well, I can’t tell you why YOU’RE sticking around, but I can tell you why I did.
It was comfortable.
I’m not about to go through every annoying detail–I honestly don’t have the strength–but the long and short of it all is that there was a baby involved. A baby that wasn’t mine. The feelings of anger, humiliation, and stupidity that I felt were unreal. I was hurt because I felt betrayed. I was more upset with myself than I was with him. After finding out what happened, I still stuck around.
I stuck around because I loved in spite of. I stuck around because I was comfortable and didn’t want to start over, no matter how badly my trust had been damaged. The dynamic wasn’t the same, I could never really trust him again, yet there I was. I’m not the only one who’s done this. Sometimes we rationalize–or at least TRY to–to make ourselves feel that it’s better to deal with the problems we’re used to, instead of trying to find better for ourselves. I think that whole idea is TRASH. That’s what you tell yourself when you’d rather make excuses than make changes.
It took me a long time to be comfortable with my single self. He was the hardest to let go of–I definitely slipped up a few times–but I knew it had to be done. I even found myself wondering if maybe I should be with him since he knew me so well, but I got over that idea eventually. It was only hard because I was afraid that I’d be alone forever. Over time, I came to this realization: I’d rather feel lonely from time to time while single than feel lonely and stupid while in a relationship. It’s not fair to let someone disrespect you or the relationship. It’s not fair to allow yourself to be torn apart for the sake of keeping the peace.
Sometimes, you have to choose yourself. That person has made their choices with no regard to how it would affect you, so why continue to imprison yourself emotionally to accommodate them? No, it’s not easy being single and being forced to learn yourself, but I promise that the preparation is a setup for a better point of view. I don’t know about you, but I’m over allowing someone to destroy my dignity. I’m over allowing someone to turn my love into a weakness where I allow myself to be humiliated for the sake of pleasing someone who gets to do what they want.
Letting go is easier said than done. DUH. Easy or not, it’s necessary. Don’t make accommodations for unhealthy comfort, you’re only cheating yourself. I’m not even saying that you necessarily need to start over with someone else, you need to start over with yourself.
Don’t lose yourself for the sake of comfort, you’ll never get that time back. Don’t choose to be imprisoned.