Dating · Life · Positivity · relationships

Dirty 30: How Dirty Is It?

welcome-to-dirty-30-young-enough-to-party-like-a-20-something-wise-enough-to-pass-out-at-a-respectable-hour-d0429
That bottle of wine isn’t getting any easier.

I know that they say that women shouldn’t reveal their age, but I don’t really care. I’ll be 30 in December. I’m not so sure how I feel about it yet…don’t even know if I’m actually feeling anything at all, but I’m definitely becoming more aware of the arrival the closer it gets.

I’d like to think that my concerns are normal. Relationship status. Career status. Life in general status. There’s something about closing in on this decade that really makes me reflect on the past and hope for better in the future. It all boils down to time. I always worry about wasted time. Looking back into my 20’s, I can think of so many times where I gave time to undeserving things and people.

Welp. 30 is coming, and I don’t plan to do the same this decade around.

The same things that I sometimes worry about are the same things that I am grateful for. Yes, I’m very single but at least I’m not going into my 30’s wasting time in a terrible ‘relationship’. I sleep just fine knowing that I’m not worried about being hurt by a man. I may not have an six figure career, but I’m steadily working to better myself–even going back to school.

When I REALLY think about it, I’m not doing as bad as I could be. I count my blessings for sure. The real truth is that the standards of age mean nothing. We each have our own path. We each have a journey full of experiences that no one else can share completely. We each have our own pace–things are done just when they should be. I’ve learned to have even more trust in myself. As long as I’m moving towards progress, I’m able to snap out of my random pity parties.

I just wish I could get my metabolism moving the same way…

 

blogging · Dating · Life · Positivity · relationships

Advice From Pretty Men

 

beautiful tina
I really had no intended photo for today’s post, so here’s a gif of my fave Tina Belcher courtesy of giphy.com

 

I’m not sure what happened, or even WHEN it happened, but there’s been a sudden rise in pretty men giving women advice. These men make videos and post statuses that tell women just why their relationships are unsuccessful, why their mindset needs to change, why they’re not attracting decent men, what men are looking for, and even telling men what they are doing wrong (women REALLY eat this part up it says, “Oh, he’s on our side!”). I’ve seen quite a few of these “attractive advisors”, and I’ve been left with questions:

Isn’t this common sense? Why are these women eating this up as if they’ve never heard of these basic concepts before? Haven’t they lived and experienced on their own to learn these things without having this pretty man tell them what’s up?

Nothing that I have seen or heard from these men has been mind-blowing. Hell, I’ve been saying some of the same things for years! I have friends who’ve said the same things! A lot of the ideas are just logical concepts on how relationships and human interaction work–LOGICAL. They’re just delivered by a handsome face and a smile. Are women incapable of understanding logical ideas unless their presented by a man?

I think women are VERY capable, which is why these men bother me and the women who follow them puzzle me. It’s bad enough that women are seen as “emotional creatures who can’t possibly make decisions based on logic or rationale”, it really doesn’t help to see these guys use emotional appeal to gain the female audience. They tell you how beautiful you are and appeal to your desire to have a man understand your plight in the quest for love. They even have you asking yourself, “Why can’t I find someone like him?”

That’s EXACTLY where the problem lies. Ladies, these men have no idea who you are so your chances with them are very slim. Of course everything looks and sounds like perfection, but would you listen if he wasn’t so handsome? No matter what these men tell you, unless you’re able to learn from your own experiences and be truthful with yourself in those experiences, you’re wasting your time hanging on their every word.

As I’ve said earlier, I’ve already realized everything that these guys say. I’ve either experiened it myself, witnessed and learned, or learned from friends. At the end of it all, I’ve still made dumb choices, ones that I have completely owned up to. Why do I own these mistakes? Because I believe in being honest with yourself, you’ll understand how dangerous it is to hang onto those pretty words instead of honestly learning from your experiences. I can’t even say that my mistakes were mistakes, I knew better and chose to do the exact opposite.

These guys are cool and all, but before this social media phenomenon there was always common sense. Be honest with yourself. Take time to seek wisdom outside of social media. Live and learn on your own terms and stop hanging onto the words of those pretty men.

Dating · Life · relationships

Online Dating: Rinse And Repeat

 

 

chocolatesEvery online dating experience starts the same way. I set up the profile and I just wait for the messages to start popping up. I’ll even waste time writing a decent bio as if someone will take the time to read it–what am I thinking? I’ll get a lot of flirts, “So-and-so wants to meet you!”, but I won’t get enough messages to match the superficial “swipe left or right” flirting. By the time I get my third or fourth “hey wyd?” or “wats up sexy?”, I’m poised and ready to deactivate my account.

Why the hell am I doing this again?

wyd 2Instead of deactivating, I press forward. I mean, how can I ever meet anyone if I can’t keep a profile for more than an hour? Ok, cool. I’ll actually strike up a continuous convo with about 2 or 3 guys. Next, I’ll get overwhelmed about the idea of entertaining more than one guy at a time–really stretching my player muscles. I may even exchange numbers, but I don’t save the numbers since I figure that I won’t need them past the first week. We’ll text up a storm–or drizzle rather–but we’ll never meet. I generally don’t meet the guy for one of two reasons: our schedules won’t match up, or I’m refusing a hookup of some sort. Before you know it, I’ve deleted the message threads from my phone.

I don’t feel like I’ve wasted time because I sometimes see the online dating experience as a welcome distraction from my usual grind. What DOES set me off is the fact that EVERY interaction ends the same way. I can only play “Ring Around The Text Message” for so long. I hate small talk.

The next step is deactivation. My patience has been depleted and defeated. After each experience, I’m left asking myself why I bothered in the first place, and why I keep giving online dating any time at all.

I’ve tried all the methods. I’ve held conversation after conversation. I’ve laid down my charm smackdown in the inbox. I’ve even taken it upon myself to approach the guy first in the hopes of actually connecting with someone I’m initially interested in. No matter what, NO DICE!!! I don’t get it.

I KNOW there are decent guys out there in the online dating world–I’m a decent woman whose been in that same world. I’m usually left concluding that those men either don’t find me attractive, OR I didn’t stick around long enough to catch one–not that they’re Pokemon or anything. I just need to understand how to make the online thing work for me, especially since it seems like that’s the only way to get a guy to talk to me in the first place. I’m sure that online dating can be a great thing, but I feel like too many people are just running amuck, so the experience amounts to nothing.

netflix

I know the whole world is not about to change for me, but what I need is physical energy. I need dating in the real world. I need to be around you in person. I need to be able to talk to you and not feel like I’m the one carrying the conversation. I need for you to not be 20 years older than me. I need for you to not Catfish me. If you’re down for some good ol’fashioned dating, then I’m all for it. I’m sure we’d have to dig into the ancient artifacts to find out what that kind of dating is, but that’s cool.

Am I asking for too much?? 

For those out there fighting that good online dating fight, I salute you. You have a patience that I have yet to master.

P.S.

I downloaded another dating app–I’ve been on there before a few times–and I have yet to even open it since downloading. I’m trying to muster up the strength to go forward. So far, I haven’t mustered nor ketchuped any strength.

(Get it? Mustard and Ketchup? LOL No? Maybe that’s why I’m single haha.)

 

 

Dating · Life · Positivity · relationships

Sticking Around Just Means You’re Stuck: The Prison Of A Bad Relationship

choose yourself

Relationships are something else.

When two people really love and respect each other it’s a little easier to know where you stand. In a perfect world, all relationships make sense. All relationships are healthy. All relationships are fulfilling.

Tough luck. This world ain’t perfect.

What happens when every day of your relationship feels like torture? What happens when you love them, but they don’t seem to love you? What happens when you realize that you’re nothing more than a convenient resource? It’d be stupid to hang around for that, right?

Actually, you WILL let these things happen to you. You are going to stick around and endure the madness. You’ll even ask yourself, “WHY AM I STICKING AROUND FOR THIS???”. Well, I can’t tell you why YOU’RE sticking around, but I can tell you why I did.

It was comfortable.

I’m not about to go through every annoying detail–I honestly don’t have the strength–but the long and short of it all is that there was a baby involved. A baby that wasn’t mine. The feelings of anger, humiliation, and stupidity that I felt were unreal. I was hurt because I felt betrayed. I was more upset with myself than I was with him. After finding out what happened, I still stuck around.

I stuck around because I loved in spite of. I stuck around because I was comfortable and didn’t want to start over, no matter how badly my trust had been damaged. The dynamic wasn’t the same, I could never really trust him again, yet there I was. I’m not the only one who’s done this. Sometimes we rationalize–or at least TRY to–to make ourselves feel that it’s better to deal with the problems we’re used to, instead of trying to find better for ourselves. I think that whole idea is TRASH. That’s what you tell yourself when you’d rather make excuses than make changes.

It took me a long time to be comfortable with my single self. He was the hardest to let go of–I definitely slipped up a few times–but I knew it had to be done. I even found myself wondering if maybe I should be with him since he knew me so well, but I got over that idea eventually. It was only hard because I was afraid that I’d be alone forever.  Over time, I came to this realization: I’d rather feel lonely from time to time while single than feel lonely and stupid while in a relationship. It’s not fair to let someone disrespect you or the relationship. It’s not fair to allow yourself to be torn apart for the sake of keeping the peace.

Sometimes, you have to choose yourself. That person has made their choices with no regard to how it would affect you, so why continue to imprison yourself emotionally to accommodate them? No, it’s not easy being single and being forced to learn yourself, but I promise that the preparation is a setup for a better point of view. I don’t know about you, but I’m over allowing someone to destroy my dignity. I’m over allowing someone to turn my love into a weakness where I allow myself to be humiliated for the sake of pleasing someone who gets to do what they want.

Letting go is easier said than done. DUH. Easy or not, it’s necessary. Don’t make accommodations for unhealthy comfort, you’re only cheating yourself. I’m not even saying that you necessarily need to start over with someone else, you need to start over with yourself.

Don’t lose yourself for the sake of comfort, you’ll never get that time back. Don’t choose to be imprisoned.

Dating · Life · relationships

Can You REALLY Have It All? No, But You Can Have SOME

headaches

There’s nothing like the disappointment of an unmet expectation. One the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in life has been to be careful of what I expect from people–I can be horrible when it comes to this. In most cases, people will fail to meet those expectations–without even knowing that they’ve failed your test–and you’ll be left with anger and frustration while they’re just living their lives. I think that the expectations of relationships can have the same effect. If you ask certain people what they want from a relationship, they’ll tell you that they WANT IT ALL.

I’ll just come right out and say it: YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL!

Well, you can have SOME of it…if you have the right mindset. Like I said before, I think it’s important to learn to live independent of a relationship. I mean independent as in the ability to survive when you’re not in a relationship. If you learn this while you’re single, you may be better equipped to manage when you have to compromise for the greater good of your relationship. It’s okay to have standards–I’ll never tell you otherwise–but you may have to tailor your expectations to the realities of your relationship.

These days, the biggest test involves whether or not we’re able to merge our career identities with the identities that we have within our relationships. We want to be able to grind our hearts out, but we want to constantly be around our partners. We want our partners to be the sole providers as we pursue our own desires, and at the same time, we want to be around each other constantly. We may want to continue to be independent even after finally getting into a relationship (capitalizing on any time that our partner could have to develop themselves), and then get mad because our partner isn’t doing what we think they should be doing.

The point I’m making is this: You’ve done all that work preparing yourself to mingle and achieve that relationship status, don’t ruin it with unrealistic expectations. You may think that your expectations make perfect sense until you take the time to say them out loud. If it sounds like it’s one-sided and doesn’t benefit both parties, then it may need to be thrown out. If it doesn’t seem like something that can be worked out with compromise from both sides, then it may need to be thrown out.

Long story short, be careful what you ask for. You may just be asking for future headaches.

Dating · Life · Positivity · relationships

Ready To Mingle? Get Your Prep Work Done


I’ll admit it. I’ve been guilty of being a bit too eager for a relationship at times. Those of us who haven’t locked down a relationship are sometimes referred to as “single and ready to mingle”. I’ve asked myself one important question over and over again:

“Am I REALLY ready to mingle?”

When I say “ready”, I’m not questioning the desire for a relationship. I’m really questioning whether I’m able to give as much as I want to receive. I understand that everyone’s needs are the same and we have different love languages, but I don’t want to come to the table without bringing my own delicious offering. I’ve seen it over and over again, people asking the world of someone when they themselves can’t even offer a Monopoly parking space. What kind of relationship can I hope to have if I haven’t prepared myself?

I’ve learned to be COMFORTABLY and CONFIDENTLY single. When your response to the question of your relationship status is “I’m working on myself.”, people can take it as a joke. In actuality, that’s EXACTLY what you should be doing. I think it’s important to become independent of a relationship. Not independent in the sense of being single forever, but in being able to function as a whole person no matter what your relationship status. I think it’s important to be on level playing fields–outwardly and inwardly. But the most important part: learning to love yourself.

While single, I’ve had to be really honest with myself. I’ve had to reflect on my self-confidence, self-esteem, and ability to love myself. Too many people are looking to find these things in others. I can encourage you all day long, but it’s always up to you to decide to love yourself no matter what. You can’t substitute your feelings about yourself with your partner’ feelings towards you. It’s true that no one is capable of loving you like you love yourself. It’s special because only we know our deepest, darkest flaws and insecurities; if we can love ourselves in spite of those things, we’ve really leveled up.

I don’t want to relive the moments in past “relationships” where I foolishly navigated with no sense of myself. I expected things that I hadn’t given myself and was let down repeatedly. I’m hoping that my next relationship will be one where I’m able to maintain my love for myself while being further enriched by the love I receive. I hope to be able to add to that person’s life too.

Relationships are all about addition. Don’t cheat yourself or your partner by not being as sound as you possibly can. Hopefully, they will have done their own personal prep work and you’re able to focus on each other. Don’t expect perfection–I surely don’t. Just set yourself up for the best possible outcome like you would on anything else that you want success.

Life · Positivity · relationships

Authentic Life Experiences

ATTENTION

In today’s times, it’s SO easy to be distracted. We are so connected to the goings-on around us, that we aren’t connected to the goings-on around us. So many people claim that their lives are so boring and uninteresting but maybe that’s not the case. Maybe it’s the lack of genuine experience that poses the problem.

My Uber driver today schooled me on what it is to appreciate classical music. He said that you get to REALLY experience it when you’re not listening too hard. You truly experience the music when you’re not distracted by your own thoughts. This statement is true for life in general. When we distract ourselves, we’re unable to have healthy, authentic experiences and we’re left feeling empty.

How many times have you gone out to eat and watched people ignore each other because they were too busy on their phones? How about that parent who was so focused on an argument that they were unable to really enjoy playing with their kid at the park? We miss out on so many great experiences because of distraction, yet we mistake the distraction for the experience. We find ourselves so eager to document a moment, that we’re not even fully in the moment. I can admit my own guilt in this, i.e. taking video at a concert.

We let so many things distract us from the positive experiences, that we think less of our lives. You’re not missing out on the cool things because they’re not coming your way, you’ve missed out because you didn’t commit to the moment. Commit your heart, mind, and body to the experiences of this life. Your loved ones will thank you for it, and you’ll see just how interesting your life can be.

Life · Positivity · relationships

Opportunity Preparedness

PREPARE WINNER

As I cleaned my apartment yesterday, I thought about how I have so many things to work on outside of my real job. During this thought process, I thought of the old saying, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” You know, there’s really something to that saying–aside from the literal reference to clothing. If you look a little closer, it can also stand for overall preparation for reaching goals.

Presentation is everything and you can’t possibly present your best self without preparation. Lately, I’m finding the urge to be in a constant state of preparedness. I want to make it a point to be ready when that opportune moment arrives. There’s no worse feeling than having an amazing opportunity slip through your fingers because you weren’t prepared to take it on. In the work arena, you may miss out on that promotion because you didn’t take advantage of the free opportunities to further your education. You might’ve missed out on that dream position because while you were busy dreaming, you weren’t busy planning your career path around that end goal. Lack of preparation can be killer. The same way that you have to prepare for the career that you want, you have to do the same in your personal life.

For example, relationships take preparation. I’d like to be able to offer the best version of myself in whatever relationship I happen to get into. Being single, I’ve had plenty of time to work on some of my issues with myself and with relationships. Will I be perfect when that time comes? No, but I won’t be walking blindly either. I’ll have prepared. I’m preparing myself for my future comfortable life–however late it happens. I have seen no signs of this life, but it is my goal and I’m preparing myself for it so I can be in an advantageous position when that door opens. I think of everything that I did not have–all the times where peace of mind was an imaginary thing–and I’m motivated to make sure that my steps are intentionally headed towards my dream life.

So, what future are you prepping yourself for? Being prepared can give you the confidence you need to put your best foot forward. You’ll certainly want to make sure that your attire is fitting of the desired goal, but make sure that you’ve properly clothed your mind in the things it needs to propel you forward in your destiny.

 

Life · relationships

I’m a Good Friend…I Promise

old friends
via memes.com

When it comes to keeping in touch, I am right up there with the worst of them. I know how to use words. I know how to talk. I DON’T know how to do both on a consistent basis with those that I care about. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about people or what’s going on in their lives, I’m just really bad at it. Unlike many people, I have no problem admitting to this. It kinda is what it is.

Out of sight is truly out of mind for me. I know this is true for a lot of people even they would rather claim otherwise because it makes them feel better. I REALLY realized how real this was for me after I moved from Virginia to North Carolina. I was close with a lot of people back home, and was even able to keep up with some of them during my early days of adjustment here. Now? If it weren’t for social media interaction, I would have no contact with any of them. Sometimes I feel bad about this, like maybe I’m a crappy friend. Guess what happens next? I get over it.

I get over it because the same way that I haven’t sent a call or text is the same way that I haven’t received either. I’m fine with it because I learned to not beat myself up about not making constant contact with people. I see posts on a regular basis that tell us what things we need to do to be considered a good friend. I don’t need to talk to you every day to be your friend. I don’t need you to carry my every burden in order for me to consider you a friend of mine. I don’t need for us to be inseparable–I don’t even know what it feels like to be inseparable from anyone. Life moves and changes us, which is why we grow apart in so many ways. I understand that and don’t hold it against anyone.

If you’re reading this and feel neglected by me, my bad. It’s not intentional and honestly, it may even continue, especially if I’m not told to do otherwise. I’m the best at catching up and picking up right where we left off. My heart is true. I am a pal and a confidant.

AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY…

Ok. I’m done.